" The size of ya! What have you been eating " - The Truth Hurts.
Sometimes, being known predominately for someone who lost weight on a reality TV show can be.... well, heart breaking.
I was at an event, the day had been lovely and we were heading for food - I was already feeling anxious as, deep down I knew I was heavier than when I last seen a lot of these people, however I put on that brave Paddy face and smiled. As we waited outside the room to go in, I bumped into a lady whom I hadn't seen for a few years - as I was about to say hello to her, immediate she blurted out.
"Jaysus Paddy - you've fairly put the weight on - the size of ya!! What have you been eating"
At that very moment in time, that instant second - I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me so badly. If I'd have been alone, or in a position to go be by myself I probably would have gone on binged..... My heart sunk, I felt like total shit. I didn't know where to look - nor did I want to be there any more. I just wanted to cry.
Ok, whilst you might say the cheek of her for being so "rude" - equally I guess, like the game catchphrase on TV, she was only saying what she seen. I knew I was bigger, I knew I had let things slip, I knew I needed to do something - and, if anything that moment I knew that although I wanted to cry - I had to do something.
Since being on the show I've qualified as a Personal Trainer, and done heaps of additional educational pieces around fitness & nutrition - and indeed worked with loads of people who have successfully lost weight through my guidance. My judging voice of course shouting at me saying "you should know better Paddy, shame on you... failure".
In reply to her, I just laughed it off and said "ah sure ya know its the good cooking since I moved home". This was bullshit - it was an instant reaction to being absolutely mortified in front of so many people (oh yes, there were other people around us at the time". Anyway - the night went on, as the hours passed I tried to keep my spirits higher but.. my spirit for that night had been smashed. How dare she, and I guess moreso - how dare I let myself slip back to being in a position that I allowed someone make me feel so worthless again.
That was some time ago now - but the thoughts of the interaction are still as clear as though it was only 5 minutes ago. Since then I would like to think that I've learnt so much more about myself physically and mentally. I've discussed numerous times how I suffered very badly with binge eating - something I had never realised before. I know what type of workouts I enjoy, and don't enjoy. Over the last year I've been working to try and ensure no more weight went on.
I do feel anxious still when I meet people I know, for fear of what their impression might be given that yes I have put weight back on over the past few years - however equally I am proud. Proud that 2016 was the first year since I lost my weight initially that I didn't end the year heavier than I started it. Whilst my training & nutrition could have been better of course, my determination to succeed and to keep trying grew stronger and stronger. And not a false sense of going through the motions, but a real genuine effort to push myself harder in workouts, to make better nutritional values... to just.. be fairer to myself.
So often when trying to lose weight, we are so unfair, and so mean to ourselves - one of the biggest things I've learnt is that part of improving yourself - is learning to be more accepting about where you are right now. Regardless of if that means at 30 stone, or unable to walk a flight of stairs, or whatever. You are where you are. Accept it. Only then can you start to make progress on accepting also the various little (and big!) bits of progress you make along the way.
So.. why am I sharing all this now? Well, as mentioned 2016 was a positive year overall for me - and rather than have a load of new years resolutions or false shite that I know it New Year BS - my focus for 2017 is simple...... to maintain the momentum from last year and give myself a fair chance at things.
I weighed myself on Jan 1st - and each week I will be sharing with you an insight into my nutritional intake - the good, the bad and the ugly. Also information on what training I am doing - and then finally - a genuine insight into what I am really thinking that week - the little voices we often try to suppress. Well f**k that, suppressing them makes you feel bad - so I will be totally honest - as i always try to be.
So, its a week since I weighed in - in the past week my weight change has been: -4.8 lbs
My eating has not been any diet or eating protocol purely just more conscious eating - being aware of what I am having. I've still had chocolate, I've still had biscuits with my cuppa - however I've been balanced - brekkie, lunch and snacks as much as possible being nutrient dense & healthy.
My training this week has been great for the most part - expect the one session on Friday evening, where I fell asleep and missed it - whoooops! Anyway that aside I trained Monday & Wednesday in the small group training session I do each week, then additionally on Saturday & Sunday I did a further session each day also. Average session length has been 30 - 45 minutes.
Supplement wise, I've had an occasional shake here and there - but nothing too full on - nutrient should come from real food, and then supported if required by supplements - not the other way around like so many people will try and make it seem!. I DO however use a pre-workout - to help give me an energy boost, sometimes this is a strong espresso - or sometimes it will be a USN Product. I am very fortunate to be part of the USN blogger panel so occasionally they will send me a free product to try - and for transparency if ever I am mentioning a product by any brand I will clearly state if it has been received free or paid for. My pre workout I use is USN B4 Bomb or their pre workout capsules - which I have purchased myself at the same price as everyone else buying USN products.
Mindset wise I have been using the Happiness Planner - which the company sent to me as a gift last year - and genuinely it its such a wonderful product. I know so many other people on my snapchat etc also use it - I really just helps to keep you focused on the positive things every morning and evening. Additionally as much as possible I have been trying to get 5 minutes in the morning and evenings to just have some headspace to review / check in with myself - this was also a technique my Bing Eating Counsellor taught me - and its such a powerful thing. With being back to work it was a bit tougher some days - but thats purely down to self discipline.
So.. there we have it - yes I am heavier than I used to be - but thankfully not as heavy as I once was. I am mentally in a great place- as I have been for the past year. I feel that, I am making progress - and whilst it might not be as fast as some of these idiotic fads doing the rounds - its at my pace, on my terms, and in a way that works for me.
My weekly check ins will be shorter posts than this - I just felt it important to give a little further insight into things. I've also committed this year to start doing videos more - so you can expect some youtube vids very shortly too.
In the mean, if you are on social media I would love to connect - Snapchat is my favourite (username: ptpaddy) - or you can click any of the icons on my site for facebook, twitter, instagram etc and find me there.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
You are AWESOME.